yiiiiikes!

I don’t know if anybody even reads this anymore… but I’m going to go ahead and write anyways. I don’t know why its been so long since I have posted anything… I guess its been a busy semester and a really rough semester at that. I don’t think I fully understood just how hard nursing school was going to be until this semester. I knew it would be a challenge but I have never been this challenged with any type of schooling before. I don’t think I have ever felt so much in one semester, especially about school. It has weakened my immune system, messed up my stomach, given me anxiety and depression… Sometimes it is so hard to believe that it will be worth it in the end. Heck, I don’t even know if I will make it to the end. But you know what? I know that no matter what, God has things under control. I know he has my life in the palm of his hands and in the big scheme of eternity, these four years of college wont even matter someday, hopefully I wont even remember them!

I really have believed with all of my heart that I was born to be a nurse. I was born to care for people who need my help…. To heal the broken. While there was a calling on my life to be a nurse, there was an even more important calling on my life to be a missionary. To heal both physically and spiritually. To bring the love of Jesus to the nations through medical missions. I have come to realize that Godly nursing and theory nursing are two very different things. Of course I am going to a very secular school, and my schooling is teaching me how to be an RN in a hospital setting, which is not for me. I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize, and I know that if this is what I am meant to do, God will equip me with the tools to do it… It’s just hard believing that when I put everything into this and seem get nothing in return this semester. But hopefully that will change and things will turn around for me, because I have never had to face failure and nothing has ever made me feel dumber than nursing school. If it were my choice, maybe I wouldn’t keep going. But it’s not my choice; its Gods plan for my life. It’s for the glory of God and the furtherance of his kingdom that I am doing this and THAT is what keeps me going. I know he is there; I just need to believe it and constantly remind myself of that.

summmmmer :)

Working as a CNA this summer has been nothing short of a blessing. I have never really been around elderly people as much am before now, the closest to elderly has been my grandparents who are all still pretty young and active. At first it was a little bit depressing and I would tell myself every day that I would never get old… ever. Don’t get me wrong I still tell myself that sometimes, and I still get sad for my clients… but I have (mostly) come to terms with the fact that in 65+ years ill be old and wrinkly and stiff and sore. I came to terms with it by making a pact with myself. I want to live this life to the absolutely fullest. I never want to do anything half way. I never want to look back and wish I had taken a chance or regret missing a great opportunity. When I get old, I am going to be perfectly content because ill be able to look back on the life I lived and have no regrets because I did everything I wanted to do. I want to be able to say I was the best friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother (god willing…) that I could have possibly been. Most of all, when it comes my time to leave this world, I want to enter the gates of heaven to hear my Father say “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” If I do all this, getting old will be a whole lot easier and ill be a lot more okay with it. But as for right now, I am a young 20 years old with a whole lot of life ahead of me. I cant wait to continues to unfold… I have an overwhelming sense that the best is yet to come… :) 

confessions (Disclaimer: this post has nothing to do with Usher.)

I have been pretty selfish these past few weeks. All I seem to be thinking about is myself. I’m thinking about the future and what I want to do and way too much of that has been planned around me and not around God. I have kind of been thinking less about God the past few weeks and more about me… and its left me feeling pretty empty and sucky inside. 

I kept feeling like something was missing, I havn’t been as happy as I usually am, something felt out of place. I think I just didn’t want to believe the reason for that was the lack of time spent with God and I was just stubborn and blamed it on other things. The other night I simply spent a little time in the word and in prayer and woke up the next morning feeling refreshed, realizing that I was created by God, for God. I’m not here to satisfy Christi’s life plans, I am here for Gods plans for my life. Cool thing about being a Christian: when you surrender your life to God, those two plans are the same ones. Gods desires become your own. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that God has plans better than those I have planned for myself. By giving my life to God, I am guaranteed the best of the best and how could I ask for more than that?

All that being said, as a human who just happens to have really big dreams and a bucket list thats probably twice my height, I do get caught up in myself and all that I want to do and see and feel and know and experience in this life. I really need to work on trusting that God will provide. That something great is in store, and I am so excited! I’m excited for life. To live… just to be living.

Working with the elderly every day is a constant reminder of how quickly time goes by, but sometimes it’s hard not to be in a big rush to get through with this college thing. I say this all the time and I have mentioned this multiple times throughout my posts… I even have a whole post about being unsatisfied. As you can see, this is a struggle so I need to write about it to remind myself. I have some awesome opportunities ahead of me and I’m going to cherish them and live them to their full potential, while listening to God and following his plan for my life.

Okay wow that was long and winded and scatter brained and could have simply been summed up in a few sentences… But if you know me, you also know that I babble... And I can write until I have said everything that I need to say.

So if you’re still reading, thanks! :) You got a little glimpse into the brain of Christi. Hope I didn’t scare you off!

check it out.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. –E.E. Cummings

What a thought, huh? That I think it rings true in everyones life, no matter who you are. How much courage and bravery it takes to become who you really are. To define yourself, what you believe in, how you feel, think, act. Becoming your own person is both the most exciting and most terrifying thing in the world. But I guess its worth it in the end. I for one know im still in the process of growing up… and as of right now I don’t really see an ending to that process coming anytime soon. Actually, I don’t ever want that process to end. I both love and hate growing up. I never want to stop being a kid. I never want to stop having summer break. Or skipping class cause I have more fun things to do. Or actually go to class. Or dream about the future- my husband, my future home, future children… someday all that will become a reality. Weird. 

life plans.

The other day I had to go back to Salem to get some paperwork, and did not like being back at school. I was thinking though how fast this past year has gone by… first semester sophomore year seems like ages and ages ago, its nuts! I feel like for so long, I have had my life somewhat planned out. I like having a plan. I like making goals or dreams and having something to aim toward. Granted, these things change all the time but they are still in place. As of right now, in this very moment in time… I have no life plans. The only plan I have is finishing school, which is only two years away (craziness!) and then after that? It’s totally blank. I have a ton of ideas of possibilities but who knows? On one hand that’s exciting, I like the mystery and suspense of it all. On the other hand, its pretty freaking terrifying… think Carrie Underwood- kind of a “Jesus take the wheel” effect. Guess that’s where faith comes into play. No matter what kind of plans I can come up with, I know there’s something incredible in store, and I can’t wait to continue to see that unfold. There is SO MUCH I want to do in life, its borderline insanity… but I am gonna have to come to terms with the fact that God is going to lead me where I am supposed to go. I just hope that he happens to lead me to Africa… and California… and maybe possibly lead me to someone who wants to adventure the world with me so I don’t get too lonely. J That’s a whole lotta faith… dang.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

stronger.

Theres this song by sara evans called A Little Bit Stronger. For those who don’t like country (tisk tisk)… it’s a pretty great song. My favorite line:

“Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.”

So true, so true. even days when I feel my worst, days when im sad or low in the hope or faith department, Im still getting stronger. Love it. Thanks Sara Evans.