Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Depths Of My Heart

Well it’s certainly been a long time since I have written here! I guess I can blame that on a thing I like to call “teachers who like to cram everything that they possibly can into the last few weeks of school and make our lives miserable.” Its pretty terrible and if you have never experienced it, consider yourself extremely blessed. Seriously. Anyways, I have had so many things I have wanted to write here about but really just didn’t have the time and or inspiration to do so… but thankfully I am in a place where I’m at peace and my school work is through and I can just relax for a whole month. Magical.
Finals and life craziness aside, there is one thing that has really been on my heart and mind. I have a playlist on grooveshark going, and the song Indescribable by Chris Tomlin is on it… I was listening one day and at the end of the song there is a verse that really just stuck out. It says- ”Incomparable, unchangeable, you see the depths of my heart and you love me the same.” It hit me really hard… what an insane concept to even begin to try and grasp. God, the creator of the universe, the big guy upstairs loves every single part of me, to the deepest trench of my heart… He loves me. Take a minute and really think about what kind of junk and baggage is in the depths of your heart… grudges against people who have done you wrong, immoral thoughts, secrets that you would be embarrassed or ashamed to confess even to your closest friend. Yeah, well he knows every single detail of every secret. Now there’s some nasty stuff in those depths, and yet he puts all of that aside and he loves us, not because he has to but because he wants to love us. THAT’S INSANE! I hope you are as blown away by this as I am. Not only does He love us, but He wants to go further than that. He wants a relationship with us! This guy who created the universe… He wants a relationship with me, a sinner. I don’t take time to love Him nearly as much as I should, sometimes I don’t give him the time of day… and yet he wants to be near me and know me. My father is standing right there, with open arms! There is nothing in the world that would make him happier than a personal relationship and time with me on a daily basis and I cant even do that! For me personally, this is something I need to work on. It’s discouraging sometimes, but I need to take heart in the forgiveness of God and change things!
Examine the depths of your heart… realize that although there are some foul things there, God loves every single piece of you. Then I would challenge you to get rid of that baggage. Do what you need to do; it’s going to be a different process for everyone. If your heart is broken, He can put it back together… but he needs all the pieces, baggage and all.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


I was going through my pictures today, and I was looking over the artsy ones that I find in various places… They are like the ones I have been putting in some of my blogs, mostly just because I like them J I stumbled across this one.

This has become one of my favorite quotes… and I have a lot of favorites but that is definetly somewhere at the top. I think its something that everyone can relate to to some degree in their life, whether it be to an extreme level or something small. Things fall apart, things get messed up, ruined or tangled in lifes other issues. Sometimes it’s a clean break, and things fall apart gracefully. Sometimes its messy. As a matter of fact I think its usually pretty messy from what I know in my life and in the life of others. In the midst of your world falling apart, its so hard to see anything positive at all coming out of it. We naturally become very self centered and get caught up in the way we are feeling, and think irrational thoughts. "Nobody knows how we feel... Things will never get better." At least that’s how I feel sometimes. Im stubborn. When I’m really upset, I don’t want to agree when I hear people tell me that it will get better, or that something good will come out of the tears. Even though don't want to agree that there's a bright side to my dreary situation, I am always proved wrong. Sometimes I find that God has a sense of humor... I can picture Him looking down on me lovingly saying "I told you so."
People come in and out of our lives. Some people come into your life, serve a purpose and then are taken out of our lives. Sometimes its a matter of losing touch, maybe an argument or differing view that cant be solved, or maybe they just walk out. Whatever the case, I can’t think of one friendship, or relationship for that matter that I haven’t learned from or gotten something out of. It has never been easy, sometimes it still hurts... It gets better every passing day. Healing is a process, and things cant fall back together until you hand your situation over to Him. All I can say is trust. Open your mind and open your eyes. Sometimes the answer is right there in front of you. Things aren’t going to piece themselves back together… When things fall apart, sometimes the things that can fall together are right within reach. Give it to God and watch as the pieces of your puzzle are put back together, whether that be the pieces of a broken heart, a broken relationship or even a broken life. Listen for his voice, take a chance, your answer might be lying in places you least expected.

Monday, November 29, 2010


I know its cliché, but this thanksgiving break I really did realize how much I have to be thankful for… Its insane. I have so much more than I need or deserve. Really, I live a life of luxury. I have a roof over my head, food, clothes, shoes on my feet and an education. There are so many people who don’t have enough clothes to keep them warm, no family or money and the only thing over their head is the covering of a cardboard box or the bridge they sleep under. I am so beyond blessed. Why do we only think about these things on thanksgiving? Why do we only take one day out of the year to think about everything we have to be thankful for? We should be living every day like its thanksgiving because no matter who you are, you have so much to be thankful for. Im sure there are a lot of things in your life that could be a lot better, but there are also things in your life that would leave you a lot worse off. Think about it. Take 1 minute to find 5 things you are thankful for. Even if they are silly.

1.     Faith
2.     Family
3.     Friends
4.     Coffee
5.     Winter break

Going back to my stop and think blog… stop and think, take a minute to be thankful. Reflect on all you are blessed with, and if its not overwhelming, take a second look. Things could always be better, but they could also be a lot worse.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Stop And Think

So I have been reading (or trying to read) the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I have only gotten through the first part of the first chapter, but hopefully I will be able to get a lot read over vacation. I’m certainly not going to rush through it because I want to be able to get as much as I can out of it. Anyways, there is this website that Chan made to go along with the book that has videos and questions and things to match what you are reading. The first part of the book ended with a video called “Stop And Think.” He instructs you to stop reading right there and go and watch that video… so I did. It’s a fifteen-minute video but it was worth every minute of watching. I know a lot of people don’t want to spend that much time or have that much time to watch a video online, so I wanted to share what I got out of it. So this whole video was about just what the title says- stop and think. Just those three words are enough to sit for an hour and think about. I think us as human beings are naturally so “go, go, go.” We always need something to do, something to talk about, something to work on. When we finish one task, its on to the next.  It is almost difficult to get to a place where you can stop what you are doing and just think… think about where you are, about who you are, are you doing what you want to be doing? Or doing something that will help you get to where you want to eventually be? If you aren’t, then why are you wasting your time? If what you are doing doesn’t make you happy, or its not going to make you happy somewhere down the line… why bother? I mean, don’t take this the wrong way and go quit your job or drop out of school… for most people those things help you to work towards a place in your life where you really can be happy and content. I don’t necessarily love school, but I know its going to get me a degree and get me to a place where I want to be, working in a foreign country or in a hospital where I can be supporting a family with a great job.
Stop and think. You have to get out of the habit of thinking that today is just another day. Today isn’t just any other day! if you live your life like that, it looses so much meaning. I know its cliché, waking up each day really is a gift. Honestly, what better gift could you be given than the gift of life? Of living? Of having the opportunity to be a friend, a parent, a caregiver, a significant other… a human being. God gave us life, and we take that for granted every single day… At least I know I do. When we take our life for granted, we overlook the things that God has for us. God… the creator of the UNIVERSE wants to give to us, He wants to be with us… if you miss out on this, you will miss out on a whole lot. Don’t settle for anything less than everything that God has planned for you, going into every day burdened with life is not going to bring you closer to God. Start each day with a verse, or even a song that speaks to you. Pick something that is going to remind you to stop and think about your life. Not only does God love you, but also God is CRAZY about you… It would break his heart to see you to live your life as an eye roll or a shoulder shrug. Snap out of your routine. Stop, think and be thankful... prepare yourself for what God has in store and live your life in a new light!
If you have some time to kill... Watch this video. You wont regret it!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


This week has been rough, and its only Tuesday! At least its not Monday… right? Sometimes it’s hard to look at the bright side and be optimistic. Sometimes you don’t want to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Why? Because its easier to hang out in the darkness. It’s easier to stay right where you are. Not necessarily happy, but comfortable nonetheless. A friend asked me today “How are you so optimistic?” I shrugged my shoulders and tried to answer. I just answered- why not be optimistic? It makes life better; being sad is a big waste of time. It was an honest answer and how I think everyone should live. Had I answered in a more personal and explained way (we were just about to take an exam) my answer would have been- well first off, that I’m not optimistic all the time. There are so many times that I would rather be just blah and not smile. And how am I optimistic in those times? Sometimes it just takes work, especially when life is throwing you reason after reason not to smile, you have to find ten plus one reasons to smile- counteract the negative! One of the things that he said was that it’s just easier to be down… Easier to stay on the wrong side of the bed that you woke up on. Of course its easier!
Think about gravity- no matter what, climbing UP stairs is a lot more work than walking down. Almost every morning I have a class on the fourth floor- two sets of stairs for each floor. At 9 in the morning I certainly do not want to be climbing up stairs. But once I get up, catch my breath a little… And I’m okay. I’m where I want/need to be. Took a little work to get there, but it was so much more satisfying than taking the elevator. There are a lot of people I know who take the elevator in life- they take the easy way out. Instead of working toward happiness and doing things that will bring them up and keep them up, they go for a temporary high. A temporary good feeling. They might lose control along the way but they forget about the bad things. When the elevator has to come back down, they come right back down with it. Sometimes feeling worse off than when they started- physically and mentally! Do things that are going to have a positive and LASTING impact on your life- friends, memories you can actually remember, a good laugh… they will bring you so much further in life. When you make a habit of taking the easy way out… you can forget what it means to have a genuine feeling of happiness, and work for it. Its kind of like working out- the more in shape you are, the easier those stairs are going to be to climb.
Most of the time you have more things to be worried/stressed/frusterated about than things that bring you happiness. Think about it. It doesn’t take much effort to isolate yourself, to take out your anger on other people… to be honest, sometimes it feels good! Don’t get me wrong; there is a time and a place for being (insert bad emotion here). But you have got to find a happy medium. Meet yourself at a place of compromise. Better yet, challenge yourself! When those negative thoughts or moods start creeping in, nip it in the butt before it gets out of control.
It is Gods WILL for you to be happy! He wants you to be joyful! In fact, he grieves with you. When you are sad, it brings him sadness. If you think he delights in seeing you angry, you have the wrong idea of God. A God who loves you so much, he wants you to be so happy that he has a perfect plan for you life that will provide happiness! No its not always going to be a stroll in the park, but tomorrow is always a new day.
“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.” Job 8:21

So there are my long and drawn out thoughts about being optimistic.
Short and sweet: When life gets you down… Just smile, its not as hard as it looks. J

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Dont Let It Get To You.

Today was the weirdest day. Well first off, it was my last day of work for a while. I like working at the Cheesecake, but it got to be too much and I didn’t have much of a life outside school and work. I’m psyched not to have to work for the next month or so. I get my life back!
Anyways. I started out the day fine, it was actually really great. There is a Dunkin Donuts in Beverly, and there is this one guy who works at the drive through window… Honestly one of the most enthusiastic people I have ever met! He is SO happy and bubbly. 
"GOOOOOD MORNING! What can I get for ya?!... Hazlenut regs? What else would ya like?... Aaaalrighty, come on down!" 
After you place your order seriously you drive away laughing cause he is so ridiculous. I feel kinda bad for thinking this... But I wonder sometimes if its really the way he is… is he usually that happy? Or is it a front? I know at work we have to at least pretend to be happy, but he works at Dunkins, and he is the only Dunkin Donuts worker I know with that kind of attitude. I hope its sincere cause I know it makes other people smile! It certainly made my morning. 
At work, I experienced the EXACT opposite. A simple mistake I made, made this woman go nutty, and she flipped out on me. It’s a long story, but she thought she was going to be waiting longer than a person who came in after her (which wasn’t the case) and then wanted to complain about me to a manager. For some reason, it really got to me. I even let it ruin the rest of my day at work. Hours later, looking back and thinking about what happened, Im kicking myself. Why did I let it affect me so much? Why does making someone feel bad make other people happy? Did this lady get pleasure out of making me upset? Well if she did, she won her game. I wish I didn’t let that happen. I guess it’s a lesson learned. There are some pretty nasty people who get pleasure out of making other people upset. I guess the best thing you can do is give them some of your happiness, even if you don’t feel happy yourself. Seems pretty impossible sometimes. Most of the time you want to spread your bad mood when your feeling angry, not happiness. That’s what is so amazing about being a Christian though. You find out that you really cant do things like that on your own strength all the time. Nobody can be that strong and nobody is expected to be that strong either. Somedays, you have to rely on God to strengthen you, to give you that extra push. It doesn’t just happen. You have to ask for it.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7
The good book doesn’t lie! Ask for Gods strength and light. Even if its strength for something you think you can do on your own. Ask and it will be given to you! Something we certainly do not deserve by any means, but ask and there it is. I promise you can do anything ten times better with Him. Today I shouldn’t have let people of the world get me down. I should have turned right to God to give me the strength to get past it. That’s where my stubbornness kicks in. I wanted to be upset. Pretty stupid right? Something I have to work on I guess! What an honor it is to receive the strength of God. Crazy stuff.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Sleeping In

Today is the first day in months that I have been able to sleep in. It was incredible. I slept until almost 11… guess I really needed the sleep. To say the least, its gonna be a good day. I am all rested up. No classes today (thank you vets day)… I think I need a much needed trip to the ocean… and I get to hang out with some pretty incredible people later. Doesn’t get much better. Its times like this where I really don’t have any problem being optimistic, where even the little things can make me smile. Not to get all Buddy The Elf on you guys, but smiling really is my favorite. It definitely doesn’t always come easy especially when all you want to do is be upset… But if you just suck it up and put a smile on your face not only does it make you feel better but its contagious. Its crazy I have experienced this effect first hand working at a restaurant. Honestly, people are so miserable sometimes… rude, not nice and you really don’t want to be nice back. But not only do I not have a choice but to be nice back, I want to be nice back! Just giving them a genuine smile goes SO far. Sometimes people really make a 180 degree turn after just smiling and asking how they are doing.
Ready for this super fact? Not only does smiling relieve stress, but it boosts your immune system! I mean come ON, if it is going to make you feel better and more healthy, then why the heck not!? It releases endorphins, even if its not a real smile I promise, it will make you happier and soon it will turn into a real one.
Do things in life that are going to make you happy. Surround yourself with people who are going to build you up, people who are going to make you happy and comfortable with being who you are. Instead of going out just cause everyone else is, stay in and call an old friend, watch a movie, get take out. Sometimes for me, it means just taking a few hours to be alone and go for a walk or watch a movie or just veg out. Life is ALWAYS going to give you something else to do, there’s always going to be something that needs to be done, homework, an errand, cleaning, etc. sometimes you just need to put that in the back of your mind for a bit and do something for yourself, when you do that, smiling during the harder times is going to be easier and easier. Be an optimist. Not always an easy thing to do, but in the long run it makes life so much better. Don’t fake it till you make it, find a reason to smile. Its worth it.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Food For Thought

Have you ever been really upset about something but it was so bottled up, you didn’t even realize it upset you in the first place? Some people are probably agreeing with me and can relate, while others are wondering what the heck I am talking about.
So here’s what happened. At faith group the other night, a verse was shared from Psalm 37:4- “Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” After we read the verse, we did a little exercise where we just wrote our first thoughts and impressions of the verse, no thinking just pure reaction. But Im a thinker. So I thought… and they weren’t very happy thoughts. You would think a verse from Psalms would enlighten, give peace and joy, especially this verse. God is telling us that if we delight in Him we will be given what we want! How awesome would that be? Notice the word “would” in that last sentence… I read that verse and I was filled with doubt. I mean come on. Could you honestly read that verse, go a week trying to delight in the Lord and expect to be given what you want? I dug deeper and I kept writing. I took myself out of the equation and thought of someone who really delights in the Lord. The person I thought about was my Nana. She is the strongest Christian woman I know. She devotes her entire life to the Lord, not just for her own wellbeing but also for the wellbeing of others. Her caring and always forgiving spirit makes her love for the Lord so obvious and it’s always been such a comfort. Then I thought about the desires of my grandmother’s heart- probably what the desires of any mothers heart- to see their children happy and successful. This is something my grandmother has not had with her daughter who has lived such a hard life and has been involved in a lot of terrible things, one of which has recently landed her in jail for a long time. Can you imagine how heartbreaking this is must be for her? Gods daughter… who delights herself in the Lord and has her entire life dedicated to serving Him and furthering His kingdom… and her only daughter is in jail.
I can’t tell you how angry this made me. How could this happen my grandmother? She is the last person in the whole world who deserves it. The last couple of years in particular, especially with family issues have been devastating, and now this. Honestly after being so worked up, I didn’t want to hear any more about this verse. I didn’t want to be encouraged. I didn’t want to hear what could come of this. I didn’t want to hear what any of the girls had to say in reaction to my story or the way I was feeling. Dont get me wrong, I value and treasure what these girls say Mostly because I am stubborn, and I just wanted to be mad. Mind you, most of you know I am not an angry person by ANY means. It takes a whole lot for me to be mad and I felt badly for feeling the way I did.
Its okay to be angry, or upset or mad about bad things that happen to good people. Most of the time it makes absolutely no sense at all, and most of the time it is undeserved. Truth is, we live in a pretty messed up world. Bad things are going to happen, but you know what makes that okay? We have an ever-forgiving God who will relieve us from our pain. Our struggles are His, and he LONGS to be near to us in our most painful moments. My grandmother has gone through Hell and back in her lifetime, but she has made it because of the power of God and his mighty hand of comfort. She still find a way to smile and persevere through the pain. I know God has a plan for my aunt, when she surrenders to Him she will find her way. I also know that someday, the pain my grandmother has sufferered through her whole life will be worth it, and I need to trust that she will indeed be given the desires of her heart. How? Because it is written in the Word of God. To underestimate the power of his mighty hand or the plans that he has for every single person who walks this earth is underestimating the creator of the universe. So wrong. 

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” Romans 5:3-4

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, becase you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4

So This Whole Blog Thing.

I am going to be honest and say that I always thought blogging was a little strange. I mean, its a good idea in theory... but I always thought that it was a little invasive. And I definitely judged the bloggers out there (no offense). Why would you want to share your personal thoughts with the whole world? Then I started reading some of my friends blogs, and I realized its actually a really neat thing. You dont have to share your deepest secrets or most intimate thoughts, you can share whatever you want. You can learn so much about a person from their blog and their pieces of thought or poems or stories or whatever they use the blog for... So I figured why not try it?
Ever since I was little I was always a writer. Its something I used to enjoy so much, I even wanted to be a journalist for a long time. This have obviously changed, and although its still something I love to do, I just don't find time for it anymore. I always envy people who journal, but I cant stay routine with stuff like that, maybe this is the next best thing. So not only is this a good place to put some thought other than school, but to write and figure out my thoughts. I cant guarantee that my blogs are always going to be interesting, but Im going to try my best.
Long story short this blog is mostly for my friends to read for a little inspiration, laugh or just a tid bit of my life, according to me.