yiiiiikes!

I don’t know if anybody even reads this anymore… but I’m going to go ahead and write anyways. I don’t know why its been so long since I have posted anything… I guess its been a busy semester and a really rough semester at that. I don’t think I fully understood just how hard nursing school was going to be until this semester. I knew it would be a challenge but I have never been this challenged with any type of schooling before. I don’t think I have ever felt so much in one semester, especially about school. It has weakened my immune system, messed up my stomach, given me anxiety and depression… Sometimes it is so hard to believe that it will be worth it in the end. Heck, I don’t even know if I will make it to the end. But you know what? I know that no matter what, God has things under control. I know he has my life in the palm of his hands and in the big scheme of eternity, these four years of college wont even matter someday, hopefully I wont even remember them!

I really have believed with all of my heart that I was born to be a nurse. I was born to care for people who need my help…. To heal the broken. While there was a calling on my life to be a nurse, there was an even more important calling on my life to be a missionary. To heal both physically and spiritually. To bring the love of Jesus to the nations through medical missions. I have come to realize that Godly nursing and theory nursing are two very different things. Of course I am going to a very secular school, and my schooling is teaching me how to be an RN in a hospital setting, which is not for me. I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize, and I know that if this is what I am meant to do, God will equip me with the tools to do it… It’s just hard believing that when I put everything into this and seem get nothing in return this semester. But hopefully that will change and things will turn around for me, because I have never had to face failure and nothing has ever made me feel dumber than nursing school. If it were my choice, maybe I wouldn’t keep going. But it’s not my choice; its Gods plan for my life. It’s for the glory of God and the furtherance of his kingdom that I am doing this and THAT is what keeps me going. I know he is there; I just need to believe it and constantly remind myself of that.

summmmmer :)

Working as a CNA this summer has been nothing short of a blessing. I have never really been around elderly people as much am before now, the closest to elderly has been my grandparents who are all still pretty young and active. At first it was a little bit depressing and I would tell myself every day that I would never get old… ever. Don’t get me wrong I still tell myself that sometimes, and I still get sad for my clients… but I have (mostly) come to terms with the fact that in 65+ years ill be old and wrinkly and stiff and sore. I came to terms with it by making a pact with myself. I want to live this life to the absolutely fullest. I never want to do anything half way. I never want to look back and wish I had taken a chance or regret missing a great opportunity. When I get old, I am going to be perfectly content because ill be able to look back on the life I lived and have no regrets because I did everything I wanted to do. I want to be able to say I was the best friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother (god willing…) that I could have possibly been. Most of all, when it comes my time to leave this world, I want to enter the gates of heaven to hear my Father say “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” If I do all this, getting old will be a whole lot easier and ill be a lot more okay with it. But as for right now, I am a young 20 years old with a whole lot of life ahead of me. I cant wait to continues to unfold… I have an overwhelming sense that the best is yet to come… :) 

confessions (Disclaimer: this post has nothing to do with Usher.)

I have been pretty selfish these past few weeks. All I seem to be thinking about is myself. I’m thinking about the future and what I want to do and way too much of that has been planned around me and not around God. I have kind of been thinking less about God the past few weeks and more about me… and its left me feeling pretty empty and sucky inside. 

I kept feeling like something was missing, I havn’t been as happy as I usually am, something felt out of place. I think I just didn’t want to believe the reason for that was the lack of time spent with God and I was just stubborn and blamed it on other things. The other night I simply spent a little time in the word and in prayer and woke up the next morning feeling refreshed, realizing that I was created by God, for God. I’m not here to satisfy Christi’s life plans, I am here for Gods plans for my life. Cool thing about being a Christian: when you surrender your life to God, those two plans are the same ones. Gods desires become your own. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that God has plans better than those I have planned for myself. By giving my life to God, I am guaranteed the best of the best and how could I ask for more than that?

All that being said, as a human who just happens to have really big dreams and a bucket list thats probably twice my height, I do get caught up in myself and all that I want to do and see and feel and know and experience in this life. I really need to work on trusting that God will provide. That something great is in store, and I am so excited! I’m excited for life. To live… just to be living.

Working with the elderly every day is a constant reminder of how quickly time goes by, but sometimes it’s hard not to be in a big rush to get through with this college thing. I say this all the time and I have mentioned this multiple times throughout my posts… I even have a whole post about being unsatisfied. As you can see, this is a struggle so I need to write about it to remind myself. I have some awesome opportunities ahead of me and I’m going to cherish them and live them to their full potential, while listening to God and following his plan for my life.

Okay wow that was long and winded and scatter brained and could have simply been summed up in a few sentences… But if you know me, you also know that I babble... And I can write until I have said everything that I need to say.

So if you’re still reading, thanks! :) You got a little glimpse into the brain of Christi. Hope I didn’t scare you off!

check it out.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. –E.E. Cummings

What a thought, huh? That I think it rings true in everyones life, no matter who you are. How much courage and bravery it takes to become who you really are. To define yourself, what you believe in, how you feel, think, act. Becoming your own person is both the most exciting and most terrifying thing in the world. But I guess its worth it in the end. I for one know im still in the process of growing up… and as of right now I don’t really see an ending to that process coming anytime soon. Actually, I don’t ever want that process to end. I both love and hate growing up. I never want to stop being a kid. I never want to stop having summer break. Or skipping class cause I have more fun things to do. Or actually go to class. Or dream about the future- my husband, my future home, future children… someday all that will become a reality. Weird. 

life plans.

The other day I had to go back to Salem to get some paperwork, and did not like being back at school. I was thinking though how fast this past year has gone by… first semester sophomore year seems like ages and ages ago, its nuts! I feel like for so long, I have had my life somewhat planned out. I like having a plan. I like making goals or dreams and having something to aim toward. Granted, these things change all the time but they are still in place. As of right now, in this very moment in time… I have no life plans. The only plan I have is finishing school, which is only two years away (craziness!) and then after that? It’s totally blank. I have a ton of ideas of possibilities but who knows? On one hand that’s exciting, I like the mystery and suspense of it all. On the other hand, its pretty freaking terrifying… think Carrie Underwood- kind of a “Jesus take the wheel” effect. Guess that’s where faith comes into play. No matter what kind of plans I can come up with, I know there’s something incredible in store, and I can’t wait to continue to see that unfold. There is SO MUCH I want to do in life, its borderline insanity… but I am gonna have to come to terms with the fact that God is going to lead me where I am supposed to go. I just hope that he happens to lead me to Africa… and California… and maybe possibly lead me to someone who wants to adventure the world with me so I don’t get too lonely. J That’s a whole lotta faith… dang.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

stronger.

Theres this song by sara evans called A Little Bit Stronger. For those who don’t like country (tisk tisk)… it’s a pretty great song. My favorite line:

“Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.”

So true, so true. even days when I feel my worst, days when im sad or low in the hope or faith department, Im still getting stronger. Love it. Thanks Sara Evans.

if this doesn't make you think... I don't know what I'll do but just think about it anyways.

Seriously though, we are all more blessed than we even realize. I take so much for granted every day... Im insanely thankful for my life and the way I have been abundantly blessed in more ways than I can count. Life might not be perfect, but life is rich with blessings, I don't care who you are and this picture is a perfect example. So yeah, just wanted to share this because it really touched me and made me evaluate my thoughts, life and priorities. Hope it did the same for you! :) 

tom was a very smart man.

"If we did all the things we were capable of doing, we would literally astonish ourselves." 
-Thomas Edison


just something to think about if you ever need a little encouragement or a boost. 


:)

28 things.

I feel like I am more of a small group of friends person than a large group of friends, and most of my “facebook friends” know little about me. So here I am, doing the silly 25 things about me- blogspot version, just because I want to. And because I haven’t blogged in forever!

1. I love smiling and I love being happy. It blows my mind how people can live every day with a frown or in sadness, in fact it makes me sad that a lot of people have to put in effort just to smile or laugh. If you don’t have a reason to smile, find one!

2. I have a fantastic family. A lot of baggage but every family has that. I have two brothers who could not be more different. Scottie and I are only 13 months apart. He doesn’t go to school but he works almost every day and I am so proud of him! Logan and I are about 5 years apart, but we are extremely similar, I think he might be my twin soul. We have so much in common and I have a very close relationship with him as well!

3. My favorite animal is a giraffe, simply because they are fantastic. They are beautiful and amazing and I hope I get to pet one someday. Or maybe even feed one. Or see one in its natural habitat on an African plain.

4. Speaking of Africa and foreign lands, I want to do missions work with my nursing degree after I graduate. Even if its not immediately after, I want to do it at some point in my life.

5. I am obsessed with the summer and the beach. If I get both together, it’s the best day ever. Sunshine is almost like a drug for me. It makes me pretty ridiculously happy.

6. There are very few people who know me really well, but those who do are the most important people in my life. Most of them I call my best friends. I believe it is possible to have more than one best friend. I have several, and they are all very different and all serve a purpose. These people know who they are, and if I thanked them every day from now until the day I die, it still wouldn't be enough.

7.  I am the most vulnerable person I know. When I see something I like, I go for it. I get over any reservations. This often ends in me being hurt, or hurting someone I love. I'm working on it.

8. I fall for people way too easily, both for my own good and for the good of other people. I tend to hurt people unintentionally, which is a super bummer. So don’t fall in love with me and we’ll be all set. Seriously though.

9. I absolutely love caring for people and helping people. Probably why I’m going to be a nurse when I grow up. This doesn’t make me better than anyone else, its just what I love to do.

10. I don’t regret. I do wonder what could have been. This thought is relieved by the fact that I know that whatever is meant to be will find its way and that everything happens for a reason.

11. I’m an emotional person. I’ve come to accept that part of my personality, although I don’t always like it. I’m not an emotional freak but still… At least I’m not stone cold!

12. I love the state of California. Someday I’d love to live there.

13. I am trying to learn how to be content with being single and relying on God to help me with this. In the past 4 years, only about 6 months have been spent single so its quite the challenge/adjustment to say the least. I’ll get there though.

14. I don’t do things half way. I try to give everything my all, because I shouldn’t be giving anything less.

15. I love adventure. I love being outside. Take me for an adventure somewhere sunny, warm and outdoors and I will probably love you forever.

16. I’m very stubborn. Enough said about that.

17. I can be very impatient, especially when waiting for something I really want. For example: I cant tell you how many times I have tried to learn to play the guitar but gave up because I wanted to just learn chords and be able to play a song perfectly. Yeah, it doesn’t quite work that way.

18. I really like singing. I’m not the best, but I do it all the time, whether I’m alone or with people. I enjoy harmonizing.

19. I absolutely hate competition. Any part of it. I hate tension and pressure. That’s a big part of why I’m not a sports person. Put me in front of a sports game on tv and ill find something else to do. If I’m sitting at any kind of live sports game, I love it! Different energy I guess.

20. I am a very honest person. Sometimes, I'm brutally honest, especially with my friends. Ask me my opinion and I'll tell you how it is.

21. I tend to be pretty naïve. Also, I do NOT get jokes and sometimes I'm slow to catch on. Seriously. I don’t do it on purpose and its not because im trying to act "blonde"… I just don’t get jokes right away. Either a. it needs to be explained to me, b. i'll laugh about it 5 minutes later when I realize why it was funny or c. ill just flat out tell you I don’t get it and it may or may not need to be explained several times. So if you ever tell me a joke and I don’t laugh, don’t take offense, its not you- its me.

22. I love weddings!

23. Country music is love.

24. I love to read. And when I say read, I mean read for pleasure not read my college textbooks. That’s just one of the many reason I love summertime, I can read what I want when I want without worrying about all the other reading I need to do for school!

25. I’m not really a huge talker, especially about myself. When I am upset about something, I internalize it and I don’t really talk to anybody, unless they ask and I trust him or her. But even then, I hate throwing my problems on other people, I feel like I’m bringing them down with me and I don’t want that. 

26. I. Love. Ice cream. Way too much. Seriously though, if I gave up eating ice cream for the rest of my life, id probably be 20 pounds skinnier. Its worth it.

27. There aren’t many other things I hate more than saying goodbye. I’m terrible at it and it’s one of the worst things in the whole world. I usually cry. Not because im a baby… well I am a baby but that’s beside the point… I tend to get attatched to people I care about and leaving people or when people leave me just sucks.

28. I NEED sleep. If I don’t get enough sleep, I get anxious and moody and sick and it’s just no bueno. If you know me well, you also know that I cannot watch movies at night. Doesn’t matter if its 8 or midnight… I WILL fall asleep. Promise.

So those are some tidbits. Im not sure why I even did this in the first place… Seemed like a good idea and a good time killer in this depressing rain. Im going to go find sunshine and bring it back with me. Happy summer! :)

Just A Thought.

Something short but sweet that I was thinking about this morning, and I wanted to share. I was thinking about prayer. What are the things we pray about most? When we go to pray, what are our go to’s? I mean besides the intro- thank you for this day or thank you for this food and bless it to our bodies, etc. I mean, really getting into prayer.  So often when we pray, we ask for things, whether that be materialistic or for strength or courage or patience. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and its totally and completely okay to ask God for those things (within reason of course!) But I always forget to thank Him. I tend to run to God in times of need...  Times when im looking for something, when im feeling lost or frusterated or worried. I need to work on going to God in times when my prayers have been answered, or just to thank Him for all that I have been given. I am insanely blessed with so much, and God deserves all of the glory. 

Faith

SHOOT. 

For any of you who have been checking my blog waiting for a new post, please forgive me! Gosh, the past month has simply flown by, as do all of the other weeks and months and even years. I have been thinking about that lately. About time, and about change… and about faith. Those three things are so huge… in my life at least. They all kind of tie together don’t they? They are all a constant for me. Time certainly doesn’t slow down, things never stop changing and my faith remains unshaken. I think the only thing about my faith that changes is that it just gets stronger. It gets stronger because of the changes I go though over time, some of which challenge me in my faith, some of which inspire me to have more faith, some of which I have to have more faith than I think I have. The great thing is that I don’t ever have to depend on myself or do anything alone. I have faith, but I find the faith and courage and strength that I don’t have myself, in an incredible God. I realize that this is something that a lot of people find difficult to understand. The one thing people don't get about me. How I can have faith in such a cruel world? How can I have faith in something I cant see? Something that I cant necessarily “prove” at the drop of a hat? I guess I don’t really have much more of an answer than to say- how could I not have faith? I wouldn't be ME without my faith. Without it, I'd be nothing. I can say with confidence that I would be a very different person, probably not in a good way. My faith makes me who I am. It is the core of my being. The reason why I breathe. It gets me through every day, every hour and every minute. I’m not who I am without Him. And I can prove it, to a certain extent, but blind faith is hard to define. Guess thats what faith is all about right? Trusting and believing in something you cannot see and trusting that there is more to this life than what meets the eye, something beyond whats here on earth.

Its nuts, all you gotta do is seek, and I can PROMISE you will find what I have. Don't give up, and don't keep ignoring that little voice/instinct/conscience/whatever you want to call it. You don't have much to lose, and in my eyes, its worth a try.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks recieves; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

A Psalm

So on my phone, I have this app that gives me a different bible verse to read every day. I like it, because quite frankly it’s pretty convenient to open my phone and get to that app with the verse right there. Sometimes they really touch me and some days its just nice to read the Word. Today I got a really awesome verse. It was a Psalm, so of course it was awesome because who doesn’t love the Psalms… That book is kind of like a cure-all, and certainly knows how to give a person hope and comfort. If you have never opened it, I highly recommend it. They really are beautiful. Anyways, I read Psalm 139:1-8 which reads:

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.”

It’s astounding when you think about it. Who are we to be so sought out and loved so dearly by a God so great? He knows us so much better than we know ourselves; he knows the things we are going to say before the thought even crosses our minds. Not only that, but he knows the details that don’t matter to anyone else- when we sit and when we rise. He cares enough about us to be familiar with our ways- our habits, the way we do our hair, how we like our food cooked, what makes us tick, what makes us incandescently happy. We can’t hide from Him. When we are in the highest of highs, he is there. The opposite end of the spectrum is something I think a lot of us have a difficult time believing- that in the darkest of times, in the lowest of lows, He is there, even when we don’t feel Him, he is always there.

How fortunate we are, how extremely blessed we are to have such an incredible God that wants to care for us and know us this intimately. Does He have to care for us the way He does? I don’t think so… But I do know that he cares for us the way he does because he loves us in a way that nobody else can and will provide more than a temporary happiness. A lot of worldly things can bring us joy or comfort enough to forget any kind of pain… but its all temporary. Wouldn’t you rather a love that lasts longer than a temporary “high?” I know I would, and I give thanks that I do have that love. Not because I deserve it, but because I seek and I find it in my God. So can you.

Just For A Season.

Have you ever found a really good friend in a time of need? Have you ever lost that friend after a short amount of time? Have you ever broken up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or been broken up with? I know I have experienced a handful of experiences like that. Its one of the most difficult parts of life, losing someone you love. Maybe its because things just didn’t work out, maybe that person passed away or maybe the friendship just slowly faded out. Lets not sugar coat this one: losing someone you care about absolutely sucks. I have found that it usually sucks the most when you lose someone that you really care about, someone who meant a whole lot to you, someone who had an impact in your life because most often, these people are the ones you really cant forget.

Unfortunately, this is just a part of life, and I believe that most of the time, God brings people in and out of our lives to serve a specific purpose. Last year, my freshman year of college, I was in a completely new place, I barely knew anyone. I commuted so it was a lot more difficult for me to connect with people and meet new friends. I was taking a psychology class with a crazy professor, and there was someone in that class that I befriended, and found that he was in a couple other classes of mine as well. I found that I really was able to connect with him, we were similar in a lot of ways and it was so nice to have someone around that I could talk to or goof off with. I went through a lot my freshman year, and when nobody else was there he was right by my side and listened to me vent, saw me cry and learned a lot about me that not a lot of people know. He helped me through some hard times and was a genuine friend. Towards the end of the year, stuff happened and we kind of fell apart. I was confused and bitter and I honestly felt robbed. He had a big piece of my life, as he knew a whole lot about me, and now we weren’t even talking. I felt ignored and betrayed. Things were eventually slightly resolved, and I got over being bitter. I am able to see in hindsight that yes, he was someone that I really cared about, but he was placed in my life to serve a season. He taught me a whole lot. He helped me through things when I needed a friend and he was part of the reason for some positive changes I made in my life. I’d like to think that I was able to show him and teach him some things too, but maybe ill never know that. I’m not bitter anymore; in fact if he called today for a favor or to see how I was, I would be pleasantly surprised. But I learned through our friendship that some people are there just for a season.

When someone walks out of your life, know its not always for no reason. Know that you don’t have to stay bitter at them, in fact its unhealthy and sinful to stay bitter at someone. If they did you wrong, forgive them and let go. If someone walks out of your life, its also okay to let them back in but its important to realize that this person may not ever come back. They served their purpose and you can find peace in the fact that there is a rhyme and a reason for everything, in every season.

 “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Rain.

Today is a rainy day. Pouring rain for that matter. Its funny, on so many other days, I would say that I hate rain. I don’t like clouds and I don’t like most forms of any kind of precipitation. Mostly because I find it depressing, but I also just love the sun way too much. Something about warm sunlight and a stunningly blue sky gives me so much happiness and almost a comfort. Today I find myself thankful for the rain. Despite the clouds, despite the sandy snow that continues to shrink down and despite getting drenched as I walk from one building to the next, its okay. The rain is reminding me of God. How he both rains down on my life and in the life of his followers, and how he reigns in my life. No matter how many times I fail and sin and begin to shrivel and dry up, God comes in the midst of a storm and quenches my thirst, replenishes me and builds me back up. The funny thing is that he is always there to do that, and promises to do that, all we need to do is call his name… And yet I continually try to do things on my own. I get caught up in my own issues and stresses and situations of life, only to fall down in the end. Even after my ignorance and selfishness, he picks me up with grace that falls like rain, and I carry on.

So today, and every day, I will strive to find peace in the Lord raining and reigning in my life and I challenge you to do the same. You are a child of God, go dance in the rain and be refreshed. 

Love, Love, Love.

Valentines day. What a loaded holiday. I think that just about everyone has different opinions on Valentines day. Some of us are indifferent, its just another day, while others would rather sleep through the entire day and wake up on the 15^th, wanting to vomit at the sight of roses and chocolate and couples holding hands. And then there are those of us who just love it. Who love… loving. Whether that be a significant other, friends, family, life, you name it. Now me? Ha. If you know me, you already know what kind of person I am… I like Valentines day! And don’t think that its just because I have been in a relationship for the past few Valentines days. Its because I love loving, I love caring for other people. I love making people feel special. What can I say, im kind of a hopeless romantic. Lame, I know. Anyways. Back to the point. Love. I feel like love is something that has been blown up by Hollywood with false hope that will never fail to dissapoint. I mean, you have girls all over the world who are watching chick flicks about men flying across the world to meet the love of his life, or falling in love with a stranger, love at first sight, you know the deal. Don’t get me wrong, if anyone loves chick flicks im the first one to admit it. I absolutely love them. But do they really portray what it means to fall in love? Especially from a Christian perspective… it really messes people up. You have relationships that solely focus on the feelings, if you're not having sex its not normal, your significant other doesn’t act like Noah from the Notebook or Prince Charming and wants to gush to the world his emotions, he automatically flawed. But is that really love? Do any of these movies portray what it really means to fall in love with someone? What does it mean to be in  love? Love is a crazy thing, and something that I can honestly say has been in my life. It’s the best feeling and losing it is the worst. One thing that I have learned, is that love is so much more than a feeling. Love is a knowledge. Love what still lingers no matter what life throws your way. After all the gushy feelings and butterflies fade, love is what keeps you connected, what carries you through at the end of the day. Love means putting that person first, but putting God before each other, always. And through putting God first, you help each other grow through the best and the worst of life. Their happiness becomes your best interest and sometimes you have to give and not expect anything in return. There are so many ups and downs to a relationship, and its never perfect of course. A perfect relationship is unheard of. 

The funny thing about love is that the best love, the best relationship, the only love that will always satisfy without fail, is the love of God. Honestly, how much more perfect of a love can you get? This is someone who loves you no matter what you do- cheat, steal, lie, murder, you name it. This is someone who legitimately got nailed to a cross, crucified, so that we could have life and be forgiven. There is absolutely nothing on this earth more satisfying than Him, only he can quench the most unquenchable thirst, only he can give you lasting happiness and satisfaction that you cant get from anything on this earth. Am I saying that if you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ that you will always be happy? Of course not. We live in a messed up world, and nothing here will ever be perfect or happy all the time. But what I am saying is that a relationship with the only one who is perfect can and will be the best thing that you have in this world, and that’s a promise. Don’t believe me? Read it yourself. Im giving you a link to the Fathers Love Letter, a letter from Him to us, derived straight from verses in the bible, not altered or changed in any way. God loves us so much, imagine what it would be like falling in love with Him. He loves you no matter who you are, don't ever doubt that.

The Fathers Love Letter.

Hakuna Matata.

Hi all! Hope the new semester is treating you well, it’s been great getting back into the whole school thing, back on a solid routine and used to my new classes and teachers. If you don’t go to school, I hope things are going great as we are full swing ahead into the second month of the New Year! We have enough snow to last us until at least May, if not August. I forget what grass looks like… you know its bad when above freezing feels warm… okay enough about the winter, you can probably tell I am not the biggest fan : )

ANYWAYS... So, if we are being honest here, which I feel like I should be because it’s a blog and I’m strive to be an honest person, the last month has not been the easiest of months in my life. There have been a lot of things to think about and even more things to worry and stress about. There have been times of complete hopelessness, confusion, anger… No matter who you are or where you are in life, I know you can relate to these feelings. When was the last time you could tell someone that you were totally and completely confident in life and had not a care in the world? Yeah… that’s what I thought. There are a lot of things in life that make us worried! Finances, family issues, school, work, and the list goes on. As human beings, we let worry and stress become a part of our daily lives, it becomes almost normal. Ponder that for a minute… these things should not be “normal” no matter what!

Did you know that worry is a sin? God COMMANDS us not to worry, and to cast our cares upon him. Peter puts it short and sweet- “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7) How much more simple can it get? When you are a follower of Jesus, you can find peace in the fact that God has it under control, even in the worst of times. God always has a plan and he also knows best, it may not always feel like it but isn’t that what faith is all about? Trusting that God is with you even in the storms of life, and bringing your fear and anxiety to him, knowing that he will always take care of you. The devo I read put it beautifully. Rick Warren writes:

"...There is no reason good enough to worry. When we are in the midst of realities in our lives that might cause us to worry, Jesus is saying we need to choose faith instead. How do you make this choice? You understand the character of God. You understand his love for you and how he wants to work in your life." 

How much more perfectly can that be put? What a beautiful thing. Ill end this blog with the verse that has been my encouragement, and I can only hope that it would be yours too.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9
 

Thoughts.

I cant believe semester two has begun. I’m finally moved back in, settled and classes are in full gear. Even though yesterday was our first day of classes, my only class was yoga. It was a real rough day... Ha. Today was my first “real” day of classes and I’m actually pretty psyched. My schedule certainly isn’t going to be easy, but I have some pretty awesome teachers so far, and that makes all the difference in the world.

Today I was thinking about relationships. Relationships between friends, family, significant others, roommates, class mates, I could go on and on and on... Our lives are chalk full of relationships! If you think about it, relationships are so vital to our lives. According to Maslow, a famous psychologist for those who aren’t familiar with the name, love and belonging through relationships are a basic human need. Im honestly not really sure where im going with this… but isn’t that a crazy thought? I think about my life without relationships in it… it would be so empty, I would be miserable! I do consider myself a social person, but even for someone who isn't social, relationships are still so important. I rely on my relationships with others for so many things. I rely on my parents to be there for support (both moral and financial!) and guidance and love. I rely on my friends to be there for me, to talk to and to listen, for good company, a laugh or a good time. I rely on church and faith group to help me to grow in my faith and help me to continue to walk on the right path, worshipping, and just times of fellowship together. 

But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. Hebrews 3:13

How encouraging it is to have a solid friend or companion by your side, to guide you in your walk with Christ and in other things! I have a hard time finding time and motivation to go to the gym on a routine basis. My good friend Charissa and I became gym buddies, and we encourage one another to get our butts out the door and even at the gym we push each other and get an awesome work out. Without her encouragement I don’t know if Id make it to the gym as much as I do!

Another example of this in my life is something my boyfriend and I just began doing- daily devotionals. We use one online, and on our own time we read it and try to talk about it later in the day. This is something that keeps me on track. Not only does he hold me accountable, but I want to continue to grow with him in Christ and spend my own time with God. Being so far away from each other, this is a really awesome way to do it.

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind." Phillipians 2:1-2

We are wired to work and be with other people, to have relationships with one another, both in communities and with each other. Ill leave you with this verse, as it describes how everyone has a place and a function, and cant live just on their own.

"If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be." 1 Corinthians 12:17-18

Random thoughts turned into a long blog, hope you enjoyed!

Follow your heart.

It was almost this time last year (give or take a couple months) that I had a conversation with my dad that I will never forget. Whether he realizes it or not, he said something that really stuck with me. It was a really hard time in my life where I was faced with a really difficult decision. I was confused and lost and I really didn’t know which direction to run. When I’m feeling that way, my dad is always the best person to talk to for advice and the honest truth. When I was talking to him, one thing he said was this. If you are praying about something and seeking God, you just need to follow your heart and you really cant go wrong. It just hit home pretty hard. It was so true… as hard as any decision may be, if you are praying and seeking God about what to do, all you can do is follow your heart. This certainly is a lot easier said than done. It’s not easy to have that blind faith… not only in God but also in yourself. You really need to trust yourself and that gut feeling, because 9 times out of 10 it’s where you should be going. I wont go into it, but that decision I made was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I followed my heart and I followed where I heard God calling me. Did I have doubts? Absolutely. I over think most everything, its a character flaw I really need to work on. For a while I questioned myself, some days were harder than others where I thought I had made the wrong decision and ruined my future forever. But my thinking was out of line, because I did make the right decision for myself and although some days are hard even today, my life has changed drastically. A lot of things have changed over the past year and something pretty amazing is taking place as a result of the decision I made that day. I’m so excited to see where God is taking me and leading my life. The road ahead isn’t going to be easy, but it will certainly be worth it.

Dwelling On The Destination.

So. I have had my epiphany. I was driving down the highway the other day and just thinking about things and I had a mild realization. Disclaimer: its nothing huge, but that’s kind of the beauty of it. Its also very cliché, but its something that we as human beings tend to lose sight of especially for someone like me, who is antsy and so much anticipating the rest of my life out of school. I realized that for one; it is going to do me absolutely no good to not be content with the life I am living right now, the life of a college student. In fact, I should be doing the exact opposite… I should be enjoying the life I am living right now as a student. I have so many incredible opportunities right here, right now in Massachusetts. I am working on getting Intervarsity started on my campus and have the role of president. I’m learning some pretty amazing stuff and I’m about to start my first clinical as a nursing student. I have two and a half more years and there’s no changing that… why be bumming out about something that is not going to change any time soon? I want to look back on these years and remember a time of my life that I enjoyed and changed lives and changed a campus that didn’t know what it meant to be a Christian. Even if I touch as many lives that I can count on one hand, that will be enough. This thing we call life is a journey, its an adventure in itself. There are going to be a few stops on the way, goals reached, turning points in life. But life isn’t about the destinations, life is about the journey. You have to love the journey on your on in order to love the destination you want to reach. Its what makes reaching the destination worthwhile. Of course, the destination is amazing, and its good to think about once in a while for some inspiration, a light at the end of the tunnel if you will… but what’s the use of dwelling on something far down the line? If you are dwelling on the destination, you’re never going to get there because you are going to be stuck thinking about it, never having even moved.

Craving.

January already? Insane. I am almost half way through my college journey… whack. Winter break has been nothing short of refreshing. Being home with my family, seeing old friends and being in the town I have spent my 19 years of life in. I am so fortunate and blessed to be where I am, to have an education, a family, extended family within minutes of my house, better friends than I could ever ask for, my dogs, the beach, I have everything I need plus so much more…. And yet the past few days I have really been struggling with being unsatisfied with the life I am living. I’m not sure what has brought it on. Maybe too many days of doing nothing exciting, too much time sitting at home, too much time in Hamilton. Despite everything I have, I want something more. Don’t think I have figured this out and have some outstanding epiphany to share about this, because I don’t. I figured I'd write about it and maybe figure it out here. I had a talk with my brother yesterday, its funny because he was feeling the same way. He wanted change, something different. Tired of living life he does right now. He is only 15 with so much life ahead of him, and will only have to fight through the next couple years of high school and he is off to adventure the world of college. A couple years compared to the rest of his life is such a short time. I guess the same goes for me though, two more years of college then off to the real world, I can do all the adventuring I want. Grad school, doctors without borders, world vision, California… So much I want to do, I just wish I could do it now. Until then, I suppose I just really need to be praying and seeking God, finding satisfaction in Him, because I certainly wont find it in the world. If you are reading this and find you can relate, here are a few verses. I am going to challenge myself to find everything I need and more in the Lord, not in the lack of adventure and craziness in my life.

“Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.” Matthew 5:6

“Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.” Psalm 107:8-9

I need to curb this craving with what only God can give me. I need to delight in the Lord. This unsatisfaction is worldly and superficial, two things I wont stand to be. God, help me to find whatever I'm searching for in you.